To the Bride and Groom

Hey, I'm back! After a whirlwind summer, I'm back at my desk and ready to work. Or not...

Anyway, my sister got married two weeks ago and I thought I would post the text of my toast. Of course, this didn't come out exactly word-for-word as I had planned, but I think it was pretty good, nonetheless.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Hanione and I’m Sarah’s older sister. I have to say “older” sister because I’m the short one in the family and I don’t want anyone to get confused as to who’s really in charge here. When we were kids, I used to get mad at Sarah for sitting on one foot in the back seat of the car because I thought someone in another car might see us and think she was the oldest because she was the tallest.
Anyway…I thought maybe you’d all like to hear the story of how I got to know Michael. My husband, James, and I live in Pennsylvania, so this all started over the phone. When Sarah first told me about Michael, I could tell she was excited about him because the conversation went something like this:
“So Sarah, Mom tells me you’re seeing somebody.”
“Yeah, he’s really nice and his name is Michael. Actually, it’s Michael James and isn’t that weird because you married a James Michael? Michael James, James Michael. Isn’t that just too weird? And he’s really nice. Did I say he’s really nice?”
“Reece! Relax. Okay, he’s really nice and I’m looking forward to meeting him, but isn’t there anything else you can tell me about him?”
“Well,” she said, “he was home schooled…”
“Oh no!” I thought. My mind raced to all of the obvious questions. What about socialization? Can he play team sports? Has he ever heard of the Beatles? Will he be able to survive in the real world?
Hey wait a minute…I was home schooled. No, I’m not very good at sports and graduate school doesn’t exactly count as the real-world, but I’m alright. I’m alright…
At this point, I knew I wasn’t going to get much more out of Sarah, so I had to do something I never expected I would do in all my life. I had to use my little brother as a romantic informant.
“Hey Jon, what can you tell me about this Michael character?”
“Well,” he said, “He’s pretty good at Halo, if that’s what you mean.”
Actually, in all seriousness, Michael, you owe Jon an everlasting debt of thanks for securing my approval of you. When it came to the important questions, Jon put my heart at ease.
“So, about Michael,” I said. “Does he love the Lord?”
“Yes, definitely.”
“Is he good for Sarah?”
“Yeah, Hanione, they’re great together.”
“Did he laugh when he watched Napoleon Dynamite?”
“Heck yes, he did!”

When I finally did get to meet Michael, I could tell he was special. Last Christmas, James and I had a chance to go out for coffee with Sarah and Michael. Talking to them, I could tell that they inspire and challenge each other. They have already learned to treat each other with kindness, patience, and good humor. And plus, Sarah just sparkles when she looks at him.

Michael, it is my privilege to welcome you to our family. We’re a pretty weird bunch and we did our best to scare you off, but you’re still here, so I honor your bravery.

And now, I hope you will all join me in toast to Sarah and Michael. May you be blessed with abiding faith, deep love, and long lives filled with good friends to share in your joy. Here’s to the bride and groom!

The Tourist Diet

Like most women, I live in a war-zone. This is the battle of the bulge, folks, and it's not pretty. In general, I would consider myself a health-conscious person. I avoid most junk food. I try to eat lots of whole grains, vegetables, and fruits. I like to jog and take ballet classes a couple of times a week. I don't drink much alcohol and I don't smoke. And yet...all that seems to be for naught. I still find myself needing to diet. Over the past few years, I've been more or less successful with various approaches to weight loss.

First, there was the infmaous Stress Diet. During my first year of graduate school, I worked 80-hour weeks, freaked out constantly about my grades and my research, and agonized over the poor performance of my students. I also ate whatever was cheap, fast, and portable in whatever quantities I wanted. I lost weight, but I also had headaches, crying meltdowns, and a bad back. Trust me when I say that being stressed out is a terrible way to lose weight. Just ask my husband.

A year ago, I tried the South Beach Diet. The premise behind the SBD is that you cut out refined foods (sugar), fruit, and grains and eat lots of vegetables, beans, dairy, and lean meat. This theoretically "resets" the way you think about food. Then you gradually reintroduce whole grains and fruit in somewhat limited quantities. The SBD did help me get over my addiction to sugar and I started eating a lot more vegetables. Yay, me! The problem with SBD is that it seems to be designed for people who don't do much. Sure, I can live on vegetables, chicken, an apple, a little bit of rice, and a fudgesicle, but don't expect me to get up off the couch, much less go for a run.

This frustration lead to the Running Diet, which wasn't really a diet at all. Basically, RD is SBD with a lot more grains and fruit, plus an allowance for treats like bagels after long runs. The problem with RD is that I actually gained weight doing it. This trend might have something to do with my natural tendency to build a lot of muscle mass when I exercise. It might also have something to do with me really enjoying eating food. I'm still working on this one...

My most recent diet would be the Tourist Diet, which I discovered after a recent trip to Germany. The TD has nothing at all to do with being smart or making healthful choices. In fact, it involves a lot of stupid over-exertion (like going for a long run and then walking around all day) and foolish procrastination (like "Let's get lunch after we find the museum.") The TD involves eating whatever you can find, but not a lot of it. You eat dessert first and then maybe you don't get around to eating anything else. You get lost, you take the wrong subway exit, you walk an extra mile because you got confused, and you try to find a beer garden, which turns out to be a unappealing Chinese food restaurant. The amazing thing is that the TD actually works and it does have it's perks (like when I thought I ordered an iced-coffee, but it actually turned out to be coffee float with vanilla ice cream...oops!).

The only problem in all of this is that the tourist diet doesn't work at home. I woke up today, ate food, got in my car, drove to work, and sat down at my desk. I did get up a few times to go powder my nose, but that doesn't count for much. I'm just about to go eat lunch, which will involve a three minute walk followed by an hour of sitting under an umbrella outside. I suppose the only solution is to travel more often in foreign countries. Bummer...